Maybe not

Hmmm, it seems I spoke too soon. It's time to admit that I'm on a blog hiatus and I'm not sure when it will end. I seem to have returned to more private methods of recording this life as it evolves. I'll post photos when I can (mac problems have prevented it lately) and just write when I feel like it. I realize that's the surest way to alienate the five of you who still visit here, but this has always been about process for me, rather than product for you. You, of course, are still most welcome to visit these parts and I hope you will. A quick update and then I'll sign off so I can eat the pancakes that my guys are making as I type.

As the sun returns and spring finally arrives, it's felt good to just go with the rhythms of our days and not impose too much structure on the kids' lives. The job search has heated up so I've been out of the house quite a bit, and my dear husband has really taken on the lion's share of childcare and cooking. No one is doing the laundry. Our life still feels pretty transitional so it is difficult to see what next month or the fall will look like, but for now, it looks like there are opportunities coming to us and we'll feel free of certain kinds of stress. Any change introduces new difficulties, of course, but I think we're all strong enough to weather them.

Baby M turned one!! I meant to write one of those tear-jerker letters to her here, but I ended up writing it in my journal instead. I think that speaks to my general protectiveness lately. Maybe as I turn outward more, I feel the need to hold the people in my home closer. That makes sense, I think. Happy spring to you.

Whale of a time

All of a sudden, the blog is back.

I substitute taught in the 4-year-old class at N's school this morning. What a difference a year can make. These kids were playing and creating in impressively self-sufficient ways. There were group picnics, rhythm accompaniment to the lead teacher's piano playing, sweeping and tidying. They used all manner of paint colors to create somewhat representational artwork and on Wednesday, they had painted blown eggs! One girl depicted her mermaid alter ego, Eduina. "Who is Eduina?" I naively asked. "Oh, that's me." We went on a little nature walk in the nearby stand of trees and created bird's nest snacks out of peanut butter, rice crispies and coconut (better than it sounds, I assure you). Sure, there was whining and bickering, but it was fun to be completely present in serious kid energy and activities for the morning.

The afternoons, though, are challenging me these days. Our stay-at-home mom/kid friends all seem otherwise engaged lately. Actually, I can count on one hand the number of moms I know who are fully at home. Everyone who is sometimes around is actually a graduate student, consultant, contract worker, part-time teacher, nanny, etc. The other wrinkle is that with C and I both around so much, I tend toward figuring that the afternoon will work itself out - instead of taking charge and planning a solid activity or two. So, today I think we'll do a little baking for M's birthday (tomorrow!) and maybe swing by the library. N and I cried over a story of some beached whales on Reading Rainbow yesterday (perhaps 3 is too young and 33 too old for that show?) so maybe we'll get some books about whales.

Spring musings

"Boys and girls, what are some signs of spring you've noticed?" asked N's teacher.
"A robin," piped up one child. "Worms, lots of worms," said another.
"Well, I saw daffodils, crocuses and pear blossoms," offered my not-so-little boy.

We made the most beautiful collage of spring flowers. I think the magazine gloss of N's choices precludes a decent photo of it but it really is gorgeous - he chose flowers mostly in shades of pink and white, plus a few amazing photos of bees. At first, his main interest was in handling the tape required to hang it on the wall, but then he became really engrossed in selecting photos and placing them just so. I love that he is becoming more adept at and involved in these kinds of projects. There is a near-constant mantra of, "I can do it myself," around here and I am continually amazed by how right he is.

M loves, loves, loves the baby swings at the park. N was never a swing kid, he would try it but quickly wanted to be off exploring. The swing, though, is one of the few places where baby M's body becomes still and her mind quiets. She looks out at the running children and just seems to enjoy the moment and the feel of the breeze on her face.

As for me, I'm increasingly turned outward, grabbing scraps of time for this job search. It's up and down, of course, and some days I want to hold this time tightly and stay here. Other days, I feel rejuvinated by the idea of contributing to the wider world in a new way and then coming home to the kids. It has always been my challenge to be present while planning ahead, so it makes sense that the path is not yet clear. Today, at least, I feel relatively hopeful and patient. The sun sure helps.

Time

Clearly, I have not had much blogging energy lately. Oddly, it has not felt like there is very much to say. We are moving through time as usual. Life with small children is at such a funny pace - the days feel so long but the weeks are much too brief. While they have to drag me out of bed at most 6a.m.s, Baby M is almost a year old (!) and words like hypocrasaurus roll off N's tongue without difficulty. While the vernal equinox has arrived and the forsythia is blooming, the temperature remains too low and it does not yet feel like true spring. The long winter of too much time indoors is starting to wear on all of us. We are dreaming of the pool, beach trips and barbeques. Simultaneously, though, we are exploring changes in circumstance that will likely mean a lot less free time, less time together as a family. Most days, that feels okay.

The other truth is that I want to spend my free time reading the New Yorker, creating things with my fledgling sewing skills or going for walks. Maybe it's time for the blog to take a back seat. I have not really decided anything yet, I'll let you know.

Wild Animals

Glorious weather motivated us to get up and out to the zoo this weekend. We were richly rewarded with all kinds of sightings - emus to red pandas. The kids were crowing with excitement and infectious curiosity. Watching the mama gorilla stroke her newborn baby's head, in exactly the same way that I cannot keep from smoothing M's soft locks, brought tears to my eyes. It is powerful to feel connected to all the mothers in our world. Here's to the joys of a free zoo and to being outside as much as we can.

Winter Wonderland

Tourists in Our Own Land